Chapter 60: 60. Denied, Finally!
I truly don't believe that I told her it's over. It's so painful and heart breaking. Her teary eyes pierce my
heart. I was myself before she came into my life. I changed myself to a man of her liking just for her.
Everything is in vain.
She didn't realize what I have in my heart for her. She would have never had an opinion like this on me
if she realised my love for her. I was a stubborn, strong headed, easy going, carefree man. But now, I
am wrecked. I don't know if I can mend myself. I don't know if I can ever erase her out of me.
She has imprinted herself in me. Now it's like, we are not two different people. But she crumbled my
heart and threw it away. Everytime, I stepped down from myself to protect her, to love her and not to
make her feel down. But she didn't have trust in me. She thinks I will go to someone for sex. She thinks
I cannot live without sex. That is not true.
Though I had many chances with her to have sex, it's me who avoided doing it. She deliberately
presented her to me twice now. Though I wanted to have her for myself, I valued her and her dignity
that I controlled myself.
I have had sex before which I did just like that. I thought it's no wrong. I had opportunities and I used
them. Girls gave themselves to me. Never once have I had the urge to have sex before her. But in
Coonoor, when she offered herself, I totally wanted her. But then I restrained myself from doing that just
because I loved her!
Shouldn't she have thought about all these before accusing me of such a low act? I drove in the traffic
which made me more frustrated than I already am. I pulled over in a parking lot of a hotel and sat
leaning on the steering wheel. I accidently switched on the music system which sang,
'Mulumathi avalathu mugamaagum
Malligai avalathu manamaagum
Maargazhi maathathu panithuli
Magarantha kaattin maan kutti
Avalathu nadai aagum
(her face is like a full moon
her scent is just like jasmine
her voice is like a dew drop
she walks like a deer in a forest!)
Avalai oru naal nan parthen
Idhayam kodu ena varam kaveten
Adhai koduthaal udane
(I saw her one day
I asked for her heart
She gave me
But took mine away very soon!)
Arugil irunthal oru nimidam
Tholaivil therindhal maru nimidam
Kangalil maraiyum poi maan pol
(She was near me in a minute
she went far away the next minute
she just disappeared like a mirage!)
This song, argh! I want to wash her thoughts away. I switched to the radio. It played another song
which is a sad song when the female lead has another prospective man.
Fuck, I turned it off. Why the hell does this happen to me? Raajiv! He is going to have her for himself.
She is not meant for me. She doesn't trust me. She doesn't deserve to be with me. It's better this way.
She doesn't belong with me.
I now understand when mom and dad told me about the playboy tag attached to me. They were feared
for this. They feared my heart would break. This wouldn't be a problem even now, if not for Shia.
I saw her love for me in her eyes. But what is love when there are doubts? I accepted her as she is. I
loved her for what she is. That is love. I should have never accepted my feelings for her. The only
mistake I made was committing myself to her. If I were that same old Yadav, this wouldn't be so much
of a pain as it is now. I decided to let go of her. We are better off without each other. It's good this way.
We can save each other from future heart breaks!
I have committed a terrible mistake. Everyone was right about talking in a bad mood. I should have
listened to him and gone while he was patient. After cleaning up my mess, if I had come back to him,
he would have reacted differently.
The only question he asked me was if I said my NO to that proposal. If I had done that, everything
would have been the same as before.
Did I not trust him? I love him with all my heart. I am even ready to die under his feet. Why didn't I think
of something else when Janvi came into picture? Just like my mom, I have a bad image of him? No, I
would rather die.
I love him. I trust him with my life. I don't know how to describe my behavior. But all I know is I made a
terrible mistake. I must tell him I am sorry for everything. If he doesn't want me after that, I will go away.
He may be right. I don't deserve to be with him. I sat back in the cab and started crying. I truly don't
know what to do. I messed it up too much now I don't know if it's still repairable. He was so calm and
composed almost all the time I was there. He was not angry that I was with them. He went angry when
I said I didn't say my no yet. But then he went avoiding me. There was still love at that time. We show
our anger on our loved ones. But when I did that ridiculous thing, I really knew I ended it all there. I
must make it up to him.
"Where do you want to go now?" the driver asked me.
"um.." I got a call and I asked the driver to hold on.
"One minute please!" I said to the driver and took the call.
"Hello, who is this?"
"Vishwa here, Akshitha. You wanted some help?"
I now know it was not him who called me the other day. That voice was completely different. "Um...yes,
Vishwa. Can you locate Yadav's Hummer? All his cars have the same number 555. I don't know the
prefix alphabets though."
"Sure, I can do it. But it may take an hour or so."
"Um...please do it. Thank you!"
"Sure, I will call you once I get him."
"Thank you so much Vishwa, Sorry!" I told him. I made quick judgments on people and gave them a
hard time. I think I now know what my negative point is!
"No problem, Akshitha. Everyone will do the same as you did."
He is so modest. Maybe he is not totally bad after all.
I disconnected the call and asked the driver to go to my aunt's address. I should fix this immediately.
But then something struck me. They might not be at home. I called her.
"Hello aunty, Akshitha here."
"Hello, dear! How are you feeling now? Are you ok hon?"
"Yes, aunty. Can I talk to you in person now? Where are you now?"
"Oh dear, we are in hospital. I can come home in another 30minutes. I am free now."
"Or I can come to the hospital if you want."
"It's ok, dear. We shall meet in 30minutes in our home."
Huh! Ok! Anyways it would take 30minutes to reach their home.
I went there first and started waiting. After some 10minutes aunt came in her car.
"Oh dear, you came early? How long are you waiting?"
"Doesn't matter, aunty. I just came."
"Come on in, dear." She opened the door to let us in.
"Aunty, I am so sorry, but I am not interested in this wedding." I told her once inside the home.
"What? Why dear?" she asked me, surprised.
"um...Aunty, I should have told you all this before. I love someone. I cannot marry Raajiv!"
"Oh, Are you sure about that? Did your mom know?"
"Yes, aunty. I told mom but she didn't listen to me. She thinks marrying Raajiv will be good for my
"Maybe she is right dear?! Who is that guy anyways?"
"What? You can't be serious! Dear, listen to me. He is not good for you. I'm not telling you this because
you deny my son. I'm telling you this because you are like Dheeksha to me."
"I know, aunty. My mom said the same. I know him. Please talk to my mom for me. I love him."
"I'm not talking to your mom, Akshu. But I respect your decision."
She spoke like she was pissed off. I don’t care anymore. I want to go find Yash!