A few weeks later I’ve been so lonely lately that I don’t know what to do with myself or how to stop the
emotion from choking me alive
Michelle dropped out of college. She is at home with the twins-Isaac and Gabriel –and she is doing a
hell of a job.
But sometimes, when I come home from practice or one of my games, I can’t help but feel left out.
Carefully, I stroll into the living room.
Michelle is feeding Isacc right now, smiling happily. “You’re such a sweet little guy. All googly
-eyed and cute.”
A smile tugs on my lips. I fed the twins earlier, yet the joy of seeing them eat never stops. I love them
“They sure are charming,” I say. “Dangerously so.” Michelle smiles brighter without looking at me. “Like
“You think I’m charmin
The compliment makes my chest swell. I scratch the back of my head, pulling my lips into my mouth.
“Hey, listen, do you want to watch a movie later when the twins are sleeping and” 1
“No, I better fall asleep in the living room,” Michelle interrupts. “I have to sleep when they sleep. Or else
I get no rest.”
“I know, but I thought you could sleep on top of me while we watch something…” I really want to
Disappointment fills my chest like lead. “Okay.”
I turn around with slumped shoulders, feeling left out. Am I even part of this family? It might sound silly,
but it feels like Michelle spends so much time with the twins that I wonder if they love us the same.
They are babies, yet I can’t shake off that painful worry.
And Michelle smiles, and she laughs. She is a fantastic mother, but she never even –
No, I shouldn’t whine. A lot has happened lately. Michelle is busy, but I must admit that this gets me;
this is what cuts deep under my skin: Michelle barely touches me anymore.
I feel unwanted and lonely. I don’t expect sex since Michelle is recovering from her operation,
but affection is essential.
I wish she would just, I don’t know… Hug me. Put her fingers over my skin and just caress my abs,
Fuck, do I sound dumb?
Whatever, I will wait for her to come back to me…
A few months later
After winning another game, my eyes automatically travel to the VIP section while the crowd cheers.
My teammates are bumping into me, patting my back, and smiling.
But I can’t focus, I can’t be happy, but that doesn’t stop me from forcing a smile onto my lips..
“Good game, man.”
“Thanks,” I say. “It was tough.”
“Yeah, but you always bring your a-game.”
“I can’t believe we won,” Robin, who was recruited to the same team as me, is sweatier than all of us.
“It’s a miracle.”
“Yeah, we sure came back-you’re both fucking amazing.”
“So glad we recruited you.”
I’m appreciated on this team. The compliments are plenty, and everything should be perfect. I play well,
and I should smile.
But the VIP seats are empty.
My shoulders sag.
Michelle is home with the twins, and I shouldn’t expect her to bring our babies to a game. Yet I can’t
stop that darkness within me from growing. It’s gripping me like dark vines.
Every day, from when I wake up to when I go to bed, I feel like I’m slipping into darkness.
Does anyone even care about me?
My dad hasn’t come to congratulate us. He never shows up for any of my games. Not even now when I
play in the goddamn NFL, and my mom is nowhere to be found either. Not that I miss her
I follow the others into the locker room, shower, and pick up my phone while Robin whistles to himself
“You coming out with us tonight?” Robin asks, probably only to be polite since I’ve said no every time.
These days, I wake up to run, practice and play football, and most evenings, I head to the gym. I don’t
drink or eat junk food, yet I still don’t have the attention of my own girlfriend…
“No, I think I’m –”
I stop talking, staring at the screen.
Michelle: Addison came over to watch movies with me.
There is a picture attached to the message. I click it and blink at an image of Michelle and Addison
holding the twins. Another one comes in, and I see Gabriel in Addison’s lap.
I don’t know how to feel.
My chest feels heavy, and the distance between Michelle and I seems to have grown wider. I shouldn’t
feel like this. I should be happy, but I’m not-I’m sad, lonely, and fuck it! I just want to scream!
Why does it seem like I’m not needed?
When was the last time Michelle said that she loved me?
When was the last time she kissed, hugged, or asked me if We could watch a movie?
Too long ago. And this is why I was single before I met Michelle. Everyone in my life just keeps letting
me down or abandoning me.
We live together, yet I’m lonely. I love the twins and would do everything for them, but I also need…
“You know what?” I look up at Robin, close to tears, but I bite them back and hand him a smile. “I think I
need a drink.” His eyes almost bulge out of their sockets. “Really?!”
“Yeah,” I stand up, tapping him on the shoulder. “Thank you for asking me to come out.”
“I’m glad you will come out,” Robin grins at me. “All you ever do is practice and workout these days-any
more of that, and you will be too big to run on the field.”
I snort. “Being huge never stopped me from being fast.” “True,” his smile then falters. “But you asked
Michelle, right?” “Asked her what?” “If it’s okay to come out tonight?” A frown works itself to my lips. “I
really don’t think Michelle would mind. In fact, she probably won’t even notice that I’m gone.”
The sad thing is that I’m not only bitter and hurt. The sad thing is that I’m probably speaking the truth.
Michelle won’t notice that I’m gone.
Instead, she might be relieved since all I do is interrupt her when she is doing something important.
Yesterday she complained that I was showering too loud, and she loves hushing me.
I love Michelle, I do, but I honestly feel useless.
But not tonight. I will enjoy a few beers and good food and spend time with the guys. At least they